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After enjoying a few cocktails yesterday, I started thinking about some of the stuff my managing editor has been telling me about being greener, you know, being more environmentally conscious and all, and since I really like owls and realize humans have been destroying their natural environment, I decided to build an owl feeder. After a six pack of good dark beer this seemed like a great idea. I got Jason in a head lock and made him come with me to the lumber store. He was stoned and easy to catch, Mary was faster and got away.
I got Stormy to drive us to the Home Depot, dragged Jason inside and looked for a clerk. When they saw me, two of them remembered something terribly important that needed doing in the stockroom, but the third was like a deer in the headlights, so I grabbed him and introduced him to my stoned translator.
Clerk: Hi guys, c-ca-an I he-help you?
Jason: I don’t think anybody can help us, man. We’re pretty far gone.
Clerk: No, I mean can I help you find anything?
Jason: I don’t know, I give up. Can you help us find anything?
Clerk: Hmmm? Oh yeah, ha ha ha.
Jason: Ha ha ha. Actually, man, we’re looking for an owl feeder.
Clerk: A what? (Panicked look starts to form)
Jason: An owl feeder. Something we can give owls food with. A food delivery system for owls. Like a bird feeder, but for owls.
Clerk: I don’t think we have any of those in stock, let me check with my manager.
Jason: (Sensing escape attempt) No, wait, listen man, we didn’t really expect to find one ready made, because we already checked the internet and couldn’t find any there. We are riding the wave of new thought, dude. The age of Aquarius has begun. No, we are going to have to build one, man.
We hurried the clerk around the store and got the stuff we needed, growled at him and left. After enjoying several more cocktails, I started to assemble my masterpiece of environmental friendliness. Everything was going great until my old lady figured out what I was doing.
Stormy: You’re going to end up in jail again. The ASPCA is not going to let you keep rabbits up there on that platform waiting for owls to carry them off.
Me: Hmmmph.
Stormy: You better take it down. I mean it, Mary said she wasn’t going to loan me any more money to get you out of jail.
Me: Hmmmph.
Owls have been hooting by my window every night since I took it down.
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