Dear Mary,

 I have never written to an advice person before, but I am desperate to have somebody answer this for me. Last week, while I was out shoplifting with some friends and enjoying some alcoholic beverages, this guy comes up to me, right? And he says “Hey, dopehead, what are you doing to my town?” So I start popping him in the head, right? Like BAM...BAM..., and he falls on the ground and starts kicking around in a circle. And my old lady gets all mad at me, gets up in my face and says I GOT NO SELF CONTROL. Anyway, the mall cops showed up and maced me again, and I had to go to jail. Now my girl won’t speak to me because she had to borrow money to get me out. I don’t know what she’s mad at, it’s not like she is really going to pay back the person she borrowed it from or anything. What can I do to get her to love me again?

Lonely in Cali

Dear Gutzoid,

When you send an E-mail to somebody, it doesn’t matter if you leave the subject line blank, it still contains your return address. You are our games editor, Gutzoid Zappa, and now I know why Stormy borrowed two hundred dollars from me. What do you mean, she’s not going to pay me back? You better cough up some cash, or I will tell everybody about your GI Joe collection, tough guy.

Hi Mary,

 I read your advice column and I am hoping you can help me. I have been married to my husband, let’s call him Bill, for over twenty years, and we have a wonderful daughter. The problem is, he just won’t stop looking at other women, and I just know he’s been fooling around. My job keeps me too busy to keep him reined in lately, and I just don’t know what to do.

Frantic in DC

Dear Hillary,

Have you considered one of those electronic beeper things they use on convicts? You could mount a camera on the back of his head maybe? I’m not sure. I know Bill is pretty smart, and not easy to keep up with. I’m glad I don’t have your problems.

Hello Mary,

This is about my guy. I have a little problem keeping weight off, it’s been a lifetime thing of gain and lose. I don’t know if that’s what’s scaring him off or not. Anyway it’s making me mad. He just don’t understand powerful women. He’s been jackin me for 20 years! I have had enough! I’m gonna go skin his head now, thanks for listening, Mary!

Furious

Dear Oprah,

Sorry to see it has come to this point. Have you got any spare cars lying around? Or jewelry? Anyway, I salute your patience. Get him! You go, girl!

Hi Mary,

Can you please help me with something? I moved to Hollywood recently, and didn’t know anybody. Then I met this really great guy last month at the convenience store down the street, and he asked me to go out. We went to this Chinese buffet. The thing is, he has no table manners at all. When we went to the buffet table, he started stuffing it in his face like a starving animal. He had stuff flying through the air, and hit some old lady in the eye with one those nasty little octopus. He was even growling at people, and got into a fight with the waiter, hitting him with those crab leg things. It was the most horrible moment of my life, and yet I found myself oddly aroused and attracted to this guy. Should I go out with him again?

Confused in LA

Dear Confused,

You really haven’t been in Hollywood long, have you? Stay away from Jack Black, ok? He’s nothing but trouble.

Please send your romantic problems and questions to mary@freevideogamesite.com and I will pretend to care.

Marina Bennett is a model in Northern California, and you can visit her profile at http://www.modelmayhem.com/810750