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Dear Mary,
I hope you can help me with a problem what started last weekend. We was all a sitting out in the back yard when a water moccasin crawled up aunt Cora’s britches leg and she went to whooping and spilled her beer all over uncle Jack. Well, he has alzheemers or spastic degeneritus or something, and he don’t hardly know nobody no more. Anyhow, he didn’t recognize her and pulled out his pistol and started shooting, but he’s almost blind and he can’t hit nothing, so once we wrestled him down and got the gun away from him everything was fine. You would think that people would learn to just let stuff rest, but my other aunt, Celia, had to start her bitching about uncle Jack still having a pistol, and how many family members he’d shot and a bunch of other stuff that was years old. So I told her to shut her nasty old mouth, uncle Jack was a VET, and he could shoot anybody he damn well pleased. She got mad and threw her whiskey bottle at me and I had to get fourteen stitches because she hit me in the head. She don’t want to pay none of the doctor bill, either. I think that’s just mean and not acting like a responsible adult, am I right, Mary?
Stickin Up 4 Jack in Houston
Dear Stickin,
I am going to ask every responsible adult I know.
(24 hours pass)
Well, I couldn’t find anybody. But I have showed your letter to everybody I know and it’s pretty much agreed that:
1. You are an idiot.
2. Spending too much time with family can lead to problems.
All you really need to do is load your uncle Jack’s pistol with blanks. He won’t know the difference! Then he gets to keep his gun, and your family gatherings can remain death free!
Hi Mary,
I really like this girl that lives in my apartment building. The only problem is, she’s a crackhead. What can I do? I really like her.
Forlorn in Delaware
Dear Forlorn,
I have written a quick, no-nonsense guide to dealing with this delicate romantic situation.
Mary Cherry’s Rules For Dating a Crackhead
1. At some point in the evening, she/he will steal your money. Accept this ahead of time to avoid embarrassing confrontations, and don’t take more cash than you can afford to lose!
2. You don’t always have to go out. Evenings spent at home with him/her peeking out the window blinds can be fun and entertaining, too!
3. Hide any valuable stuff you might have when you invite him/her over.
4. Learn to combine your hobbies! Smoking crack and bull riding! Smoking crack and alligator wrestling!
5. Cultivate a friendly attitude toward your local police, you’ll be meeting them a lot!
Dear Mary,
I have never written to an advice person before, but I really don’t know who to ask about this, so here goes. How do I get the top off the Aspirin bottle?
Puzzled in Phoenix
Dear Puzzled,
I wanted to get some different opinions on this important question, so I asked some of the people I work with here at FreeVideogameSite. I’m turning this question over to our resident technical expert, Jason Stylz.
Jason said:
“ Dude...uhhhh...ok...lemmee see...uuuhhh...ok...You hold this one thing down with like, one hand, and you pinch and twist the cap with the other hand. Then you get mad because you know you are doing it right, and it’s still not opening. So you look at it to see what’s wrong with it, and then all your skater buddies start razzing you for being too big a doofus to get the top off and everybody knows only pussies need pain meds, anyway. So I dunno.”
I then turned to our resident graphic artist, Becky Teague.
Becky said:
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“You know, you could waste your time with all sorts of inferior information. It’s time consuming and completely useless to deal with inferior information, when for only 5.95 you can buy my pamphlet entitled:
Becky’s Guide to Pill Bottle Opening
FInally!!!
The mysteries of opening those little plastic bottles explained!
Why deny yourself the life saving medicine you need? Knowledge is the key to power! The power to feel good! My pamphlet will teach you how to open:
Aspirin bottles!
Tylenol bottles!
Your grandma’s medication bottles!
Finally!!!
No more weeping or pill bottle biting bouts! No more having to beg your pals to pry open your precious pills! Blessed bliss for the low, low price of only 5.95!”
****************************************************************************** **********
I saw she wasn’t really going to help much, at least not for free. So I asked our managing editor, Lee.
Lee said: “I’m really busy today, and I’m not going to write your blog for you, Mary. Go make up your own stuff.”
He was no help at all, so I asked our games editor, Gutzoid, and he hit the Aspirin bottle with a machete. I decided that was enough opinions, so here is the method I have chosen.
1. Tightly grip bottle with both hands.
2. Twist back and forth until something gives.
If this fails, give it to a kid to open.
Dear Mary,
Do you collect lighters? Because I do. I mean, not intentionally. But sometimes I notice they are all gone and I can’t find one anywhere in the house, and then suddenly about five or six show up at once. What’s up with that?
Can’t-find-a-light
Dear Can’t,
Lighter disappearance is a well known phenomena, as any smoker can tell you. The rate of vanishment appears to be directly related to the intake of drugs, or if you are dating a crackhead. ( See my dating guide above)
Marina Bennett is a model in northern California, and you can visit her profile at http://www.modelmayhem.com/810750
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