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So I was just sitting back in the computer shop in our offices, not bothering anybody, just minding my own business, when Gutzoid comes in and grabs me. He let me know through a series of grunts and mutters that our buddy Booster Jones was getting out of county jail and that we should go and get him, because we knew he would have lots of beer on hand to celebrate his newfound freedom. Booster is the biggest thief of beer in San Francisco, and every shop + rob and liquor store in our district has a picture of Booster somewhere behind the counter that says “Watch for this guy” on it. His technique is simple. He just goes up to the counter with the beer like he’s gonna pay for it, then he runs. With the beer. Booster’s speed is legendary on Haight Street.
So we drove down to the jail in Gutzoid’s old truck. It kept dying at stoplights and people behind us would honk and he would flip ‘em off. It was hot as hell, and Zoid had no air conditioner in the truck, of course. Think he’s gonna mess up an original 58 Chevy with an AIR CONDITIONER? Dude, slap yourself. So anyway, he had been hauling some compost or something, because there were flies everywhere. They liked us a lot, and kept swarming every time we would stop. His old lady, Stormy was driving, and she was having some kind of psychotic episode. Then Zoid started farting and laughing about it really loud, but I was kind of happy, because when things start out this bad, they can only get better.
Booster was less than glad to see us.
Booster: Hey, wassup dogs? Was been happenin fools? Ya’ got a smoke? Naw? Wat th hell? Wy shit! Damn! No smoke? Y got ny beer? Wy shit! Damn!
Jason: Get in.
Booster: I ain’t gettin in there wit u damn fools! I just got outa jail, and I’m gonna go boost me sum beer.
Jason: Just get in the back, asshole. We are almost out of gas, we’re gonna just kind of coast down to the beach. C’mon I got some fresh green nuggets.
Booster: Le’s roll.
We went down to the beach, and I had a pretty good buzz on. The cops were busy with actual criminals somewhere and didn’t have time to harass us. Booster went and got some beer. Things were looking up, there were several pretty girls there and I was starting to have a really good time. Grateful Scott and Eric showed up with some doses and turned the tide an electric green. It was then that I noticed the girl I had been talking to was actually the Goddess.
Jason: You’re mad about the oil getting spilled aren’t you?
Blue: No, it was just cheap stuff I bought at K-mart before we came out here.
Jason: Well....then you’re mad about all the trees getting cut, right?
Blue: No, I totally like the view of the beach better now that they took out those two big palms. They had some kind of trunk rot.
Jason: Wow, you are like even more cosmic than I ever imagined. And I really, really, really love the blue hair.
Blue: Thanks, cutie. Love your dreads.
The Goddess loved my dreads. I floated around on that wonderful cloud of thought for a while, then I noticed she was gone. I looked around for Zoid and Stormy, but they had wandered off down the beach somewhere, and Booster had descended into incoherent ranting. He just can’t handle alcohol. I crossed the coast highway on foot, and headed back into the neighborhoods toward Haight Street. With my mind in such an expanded state, I knew I had become a vortex, and was in danger of pulling something or someone unusual in.
I found God standing on the corner. He had a guitar in His hand, and was standing beside an old worn guitar case. I wondered if He knew what time it really was. I wondered if He cared. I wondered about a thousand things, and then I walked up to Him and asked the most important question on my mind.
Jason: Dude, have you got any spare change? I need like eighty three cents to get a soda.
Gypsy Lee: Just spent it on a beer.
Jason: Are you really God?
Gypsy Lee: Only on days when you’re not.
Jason: Dude, that is like hella awesome. Whooaaa.
Gypsy Lee: You look pretty spun, kid. Hang with me until I can find somebody to baby sit you. Hanging out with Scott and Eric, weren’t you? Follow.
I concentrated really hard on the black leather jacket God was wearing and followed it up Haight street past the loonies and locals and tourists and gnomes. I noticed how people would move aside when they saw Him coming and decided this was cool, no wonder so many people followed Him. Everybody steps out of your way when you are following God. Soon we were at our offices.
Gypsy Lee: I brought you a present, Becky.
Becky: For me? Wow, what is it? Looks stoned, whatever it is.
Gypsy Lee: I found it wandering around outside. You should take better care of it or it will get run over.
Becky: Thanks, Gypsy. Come here, Jason. Why don’t you sit down here in your computer shop until you feel better.
So, now I’m sitting in my shop in the exact same position I was in eight hours ago, and wondering if I had really changed anything with my excursion. Do I really matter? That was my question of the moment, so I got out my Ouija board.
Jason: Do I affect things at all?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Jason: How?
Ouija board: B-Y--T-A-K-I-N-G--U-P--S-P-A-C-E
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